It’s a marvel that a person can appear to be standing still when the mood tides are sloshing back and forth, sometimes sweeping in both directions at once. They call that a “mixed state.” It felt like a miniature motocross race going on in my head. It made a little hum, and my eyes sort of burned and felt a little too large for their sockets.  ~Jane Pauley

I was diagnosed with bipolar about 7 years ago, after suffering for at least 10 years.  When I was finally diagnosed, I was actually quite relieved.  There was a name to what I was going through.  And, others have gone through it too, are going through it at the same time as me.  I was put on meds and they worked quite well.  Then, I went through some other physical issues that have nothing to do with the bipolar and eventually I had to be put on estrogen.  It took nearly a year to get the estrogen regulated and once it was I was feeling great.  Until the bipolar meds started making me sick to my stomach.  So a little over 2 years ago, I stopped taking the bipolar meds.  And I did fine.  At least I think I did fine. 

Last week, my love told me that Jane Pauley would be on Dateline that night and she would be talking about living with bipolar.  I didn’t need to see it I told him, and in my mind added that I was ok, I didn’t have it anymore.  But as we got ready for bed, we had it on in the bedroom.  I sort of listened and the phrases I caught definitely had an impact on me.  There were things she was saying that would hit me like a slap in the face:  “Inexplicable anger”, “agitated”, “like a motocross race in my head”, slap, slap, slap.

That’s when I finally broke out of the denial I had encased myself in.  I was not ok.  I was bipolar, and I always would be.  I then started going back over the last couple of years and the times I would scream at my love because he would look at me like he used to right after I was diagnosed.  I would tell him that I was fine, and that I was allowed to have bad days just like everyone else.  But, I don’t have bad days like everyone else.  Any emotion I have throughout the day is magnified 100 times.  There is no in between, there is no normal, there is no just like everyone else.  The more I listened to Jane Pauley, the more things were starting to make sense.  She talked about rapid cycling and mixed states.  These were new terms to me.  For some reason I figured that because I was not going from extended periods of debilitating depressions to over the top manias that I was fine.  It never occurred to me that having these feelings at the same time might be a problem.  Or that having several of these periods fluctuate throughout one day might be even worse than the more common cycles I used to have.  In fact, I think that I have grown so accustomed to the agitation that I figured it was normal.  After all, everyone has mood swings right?  Yes, but, not everyone can be talking to a person and want to just scream in the middle of the conversation because they can’t stop the constant humming sound that resonates throughout their psyche.

So, last week, I started doing some research.  I found that bipolar is a disease as real as diabetes, and high blood pressure.  (this I already knew, I just sort of overlooked this fact).  I also found that like many diseases, it can go into a sort of “remission”.  And that if left unchecked, it can worsen.  And when left to worsen, rapid cycling and mixed states occur, especially in women.  So, I know that I  really need to go to the dr.  but my fear is that the more I talk to him the more hospitalization becomes a very real option.  And that scares the hell out of me.  What scares me even more is that I go to the dr. and don’t talk to him openly.  Because, it is so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong.  It is all too easy to hide so many symptoms.  It actually amazes me that I can be so normal on the outside.  I can laugh and joke and talk to people like there is absolutely nothing going on inside me.  But on the inside I am so torn up with these emotions that are just splashing around inside me that I can completely lose myself.  And what happens when I let these emotions out, when I let down that wall that separates the outside and inside selves?  When those two collide, I don’t know how to save myself.  So, I go about my days as if nothing is wrong and try to resolve it alone.  I’m just not sure how much longer I can keep it up.