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I’m very definitely a woman and I enjoy it. ~Marilyn Monroe
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| Almost sane again |
| 07.19.04 (9:49 am) [edit] |
[i][b]I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
~Hunter S. Thompson[/b][/i]
I am slowly coming out of the fog of darkness that has enveloped me for the last few days. I am no longer agitated, mostly just weepy. And not all the time, just when I stop and think about it. There are a few silver linings to this recent dark cloud.
1) It has been almost 3 months since my last depression
~this almost sounds like a Catholic confession [i]'bless me father for I have cried. It has been three months since my last depression'.[/i] :lol: This may actually be a record for me. I think the longest I have gone in the past was 5 weeks.
2) I did not confine myself to bed for any length of time other than to sleep at night.
~this is a big deal, as usally I will crawl in bed and be unable to get out for at least 2 days.
3) I did not wish to die
~as morbid as this sounds, I usually fantasize about dying when I am depressed. Not suicide really, just death. [i]What if I fell asleep while driving and ran off the road and rolled the car down an embankment, how long would it take me to die?[/i] That sort of thing.
4)I did not hurt myself.
~this sounds worse than it really is. When I am depressed, the pain inside of me is so overwhelming at times that the only logical thing to do is to have physical pain to match the emotional pain. In the past I have "accidentally" shut the door on my foot or finger, stub my toe, pinch myself very hard. I have to admit that I have fantasized about really cutting myself, or falling down the stairs or what not, but as with the death thing above, I would never really do it.
5) I was actually able to maintain contact with other human beings during this time
~this is huge. Normally I stay as far away from other humans as possible. This time though, I not only stayed out of bed, but I was able to leave the house.
6) I maintained my sense of humor.
~I was still able to smile, even laugh at times.
As small as these things seem to outsiders, they are unbelievably huge to me. 7 years ago, a step forward was getting out of bed, showering and getting dressed. Now, not only can I talk about it, I can laugh about it and count my blessings to boot :) I know I will never be "normal", actually, I don't think I really want to be. And honestly, is anyone truly "normal"? We all have our crosses to bear. I am just lucky that my cross makes me the passionate, loving, caring, intuitive, creative, sympathetic goddess that I am today. :D
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posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 07.19.04 (11:18 am)
Glad to hear you are coming out of your depression. I remember having thoughts of death almost constantly. It has been years since I have, but I still remember thinking about it. And like you said not suicidal thoughts. Humor is so important. Laughter has saved me more than once. Good luck.
posted by: Mimi (reply)
post date: 07.19.04 (11:34 am)
humor is my only salvation...and puppies...they love me all the time!
xoxox
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 07.19.04 (5:17 pm)
Awesome! I'm so glad for you, I know what a struggle it can be. My husband is also bipolar and I well know the "ride".
posted by: jennluna (reply)
post date: 07.20.04 (7:31 am)
Reply to: chicalookate
Thanks. If I don't have laughter, then I really don't have anything. If I can't laught at my life, then I really would go insane:)
posted by: jennluna (reply)
post date: 07.20.04 (7:32 am)
Reply to: Mimi
Humor helps so much. And my love. He is definitely getting into heaven for having to deal with me:)
posted by: jennluna (reply)
post date: 07.20.04 (7:33 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
Thanks. It helps to know that I am not alone. I know that sounds cliche, but it helps me to keep from being overwhelmed by it all.
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 07.22.04 (8:57 am)
I'm a so glad to read this post lol... I have actually been thinking abt you while I was away from blogging for a couple of days. You stay strong lol... all this is positive, and that has got to be good! ;)
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| J | Joyful | | E | Exquisite | | N | Nerdy | | N | Naive | | L | Luxurious | | U | Unforgettable | | N | Nice | | A | Awkward |
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