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I’m very definitely a woman and I enjoy it. ~Marilyn Monroe
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| A touch of madness |
| 07.16.04 (9:09 am) [edit] |
[i][b]What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.---Jewish proverb [/b][/i]
I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 7 years ago. I was on meds for 4 years but I began to hate the numb feeling. I am a very passionate person, and not to feel was so much worse than feeling bad, so I went off the meds. I don't cycle as much as I used to. It used to be several highs and lows a week. Then I would hit a low so low I didn't think I would come out of it. Those lows lasted a good 2-4 weeks. In the last three years, my estrogen has been strictly regulated, and I believe that has helped tremendously with my moods. However, I still need to remember that I am bi-polar and that my moods do vary greatly. Now, my cycles are reversed; I feel great for 2-3 months and then I crash for a few days. What amazes me, is that every time I crash, I am surprised by it. Like I was thinking that it would never happen again. Which is absolutely ridiculous since this has been going on since I was 12. Anyway, every thing in my life is going good right now. Both girls are happy and getting along. My love is happy and doing good, I am happy. But, I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers up over my head and sob like there is now tomorrow. I also want to yell at everyone who tries to talk to me. I want to throw things and stomp around like a 2 year old and scream at the top of my lungs "leave me the hell alone." But, like I said, my urge is to go to bed and cry. Not just that, but I want my love to wrap his arms around me and hold me and let me know everything is going to be ok. But you know what the kicker is? When I lie in bed crying and he comes up to me to hug me and reassure me that this will pass, I don't take comfort in it like I want to. No, I cry harder, tell him to get the fuck away from me and let me die. The fact that he has been with me for 18 years and understands the bi-polar better than I do, does not lessen the hurt I can inflict. And the fact that I can be so mean tears me up inside, but I can't stop it. It's as if the madness takes over every aspect of my life. I lose my compassion, my logic, my mind. My only hope is that those who love me stay by me to remind me that this is not the real me. This is just some sort of sick cosmic joke that the fates have played on me. Like they said, let's give her the compassion and empathy for others pain and suffering so that she can know how to help. Let's give her a great sense of humor so that she can lighten even the most tense moments, let's give her optimism so that she can see the good in everyone and every thing around her. Oh, and just for shits and giggles let's give her a touch of madness so that she ruin all of the good she has done in one psychotic depression filled tyrade on humanity.
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posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 07.16.04 (11:04 am)
Love the jewish proverb lol! :)
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 07.16.04 (11:11 am)
Sent you a tmail as per the post!! :)
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 07.16.04 (12:18 pm)
It sounds like a tough cross to bear. But, you should know that even though our moods tremendously effect our behavior, they dont *cause* our behavior. In other words, while you may not have control over your moods, you do have control over your behavior or rather, you can get control with a lot of practice. It isnt easy but it can be done.
posted by: Mimi (reply)
post date: 07.18.04 (7:40 am)
and sometimes when we are like this, as am I, we have to think like "if i were say, diabetic, i would have to take insulin" and try to find the right medication and the right dosage and most importantly, the right doctor...i have only recently hit on the right combo of drugs that have made me feel almost like my old self and it is holding consistently. i am so grateful for this. xoxox
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| J | Joyful | | E | Exquisite | | N | Nerdy | | N | Naive | | L | Luxurious | | U | Unforgettable | | N | Nice | | A | Awkward |
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