Wow, it has been a while since I have blogged.  Things have been crazy.  My love will be talking to people in San Fran tomorrow about the particulars of the job they are offering.  Then, we will need to make a decision.  I have to tell you I am leaning towards going.  But, it has to be a majority rules decision.  So I guess all we can do is see what is offered and go from there.  On another note, my youngest daughter is constantly battling fear.  She is afraid of just about everything.  Even when you are just talking about something she is afraid of, she gets upset.  Well, a few months ago we were at my favorite metaphysical store and she found a little spell kit for courage.  Last night was a full moon so she asked if we could do the courage spell.  My love didn't like this very much.  He again expressed his thoughts about how maybe this "phase" of mine is in conflict with our Catholic beleifs.  We didn't discuss it much, because he was in the type of mood that I knew I could really push his buttons.  But my daughter and I did do the spell, and I could see the relief come over her.  Whether you believe in spells and magik or not, isn't it nice to know that there is some comfort in it for people?  I mean, if this is what it takes to take the anxiety away from her, what is the harm?  And how is it any different than saying a prayer and blessing yourself with holy water?  In addition why is it "wrong" to carry a protective stone around with you, but it's accepted to carry a rosary or medal of a saint?  They both give you comfort and peace.  When it comes down to it, a spell is nothing more than a prayer and a rosary is nothing more than a talisman.  And so, I will continue to encourage both of my girls to follow their bliss, find their passion and take comfort where they can.

Goddess Bless!!

Last Friday, my love received a call from a company he does business with.  They asked if he would be interested in working for them.  The catch is that the company is out of state.  We would have to move to San Francisco.  Right away my gut reaction was to go.  It’s a lot more money, I would not have to work, it’s a city I love, it’s something different, it’s an adventure.  But, then reality set in and I thought about leaving my family behind, I’ve never been away from them.  We have always lived with in 10 miles of each other.  We would be leaving our friends behind, more of an issue for my love and my girls, I am the loner in the family.  We would be leaving behind a life of comfort zones and heading into a life of uncertainties (ok, not a life of uncertainties, more like a period of uncertainties).  We got our both sets of parents together over the weekend and discussed it, open forum style.  My father in law moved his family around the country quite a bit when they were younger, my parents moved from Iowa to a sort of hippy commune in Colorado for 2 years, back to Iowa for 10 years, then back to Colorado and we have been here ever since.  They both agreed they did it to provide a better life for their kids, which both of them succeeded in doing.  But my father in law was adamantly against us moving.  He had some very valid points,.  My father on the other hand said to go for it.  What a great opportunity, and if it doesn’t work out, we just move back here.  Both mom’s were very even with my mother in law leaning more towards going and my mother leaning more towards staying.  We have brought it up to a few friends, most of whom come up with reasons to stay.  (earthquakes, rainy & foggy weather, leaving family, etc.)  One co-worker, E, of mine said to go, what a wonderful adventure and who wouldn’t want to live in wine country? 

So, we are torn.  My youngest the Drama Queen does not want to move, but I know she is very adaptable.  My oldest the Teen Queen cried at first then came to love the idea of moving.  As she said, we can visit at least twice a year; holidays and summer.  Plus, if she absolutely hates it, she can come back to Colorado for college in 2 years.  My love is leaning towards staying here I think.  And I have to admit, I would love to live out there, I think.  This is a complete reversal from 10 years ago when he was trying to convince me to move to California and I was adamant about never leaving Colorado.  I don’t really have anyone to talk to who has had to make this decision before,  I wouldn’t mind hearing what they decided and why and how it turned out.  That’s why I talked to E, she just moved here from Georgia, but she didn’t have a family, job offer or anything, it was more of a whim for her.  But she had a lot of insight.  Now, I will wait to hear what the official offer from the company is and maybe that will make it easier to decide.  If not, I will continue to think about it, talk it over with my love and the girls and see what fate has in store for me. 

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.

My Love fears that I may have lost my faith.  I haven’t lost it, just maybe set it aside to examine it better.  As I have mentioned before, I am on a spiritual quest.  I am reading books on the sacred feminine, the goddesses, and the ancient cultures that worshipped them.  I am also reading a book about Mary Magdalene and how she was not the whore that the early church painted her out to be.  Why is it people follow certain teachings because the bible tells them to?  Why is it that these same people think it is ok to condemn those who do not follow the bible?  Personally, I do believe there is a God or a higher power, but I do not try to pretend to know who it is, or what they want.  I guess I look at it more as a power controlling our fate so that we reach our destiny.  If your destiny is to follow the bible and be a good person, fine, you do that, but don’t get in my face telling me to change and be like you.  Respect my values and beliefs, as I respect yours.  And remember, Jesus was a man who defied all conventions.  He went against the grain, and questioned the powers that be.  Many said that he was a crazy man, a blasphemer.  But, this is the same man that people say will keep us out of heaven if we do not follow his teachings. 

This is all the same argument I have made before, but where does it get me?  Nowhere.  So, I am now going to focus on practicing what I preach.  I have always been a big believer in treat others as I want to be treated.  But, I have trouble with judging people too quickly.  I will work on this as I continue learning.  Do I want to be saved?  No, I just want to explore with out any interference.  Some of my Love’s friends like to poke fun at me, calling me a witch and what not.  That doesn’t bother me.  I don’t care much for labels.  I will even half jokingly tell them that a witch is the last person you want to mock.  J  I look at the celebrities who have embraced Kabala or Scientology and part of me feels for them.  I mean after all aren’t they just looking for answers to questions that the majority of society is afraid to ask?  They are accused of being a part of a cult, and they are ridiculed for being “weird”.  I may not agree with what they practice and preach, but I respect them for sticking up for what they believe in.  Wouldn’t it be a much more peaceful world if we allowed the freedom of religion that we fight so hard for?  There are programs in place all over to raise awareness for so many causes out there:  AIDS, Breast Cancer, Gay Rights, Women’s Rights, Children’s Rights, Senior Rights.  Where is the Religious Tolerance Awareness program?  I’m sure it is out there, it just can’t be heard over the all of the noise it’s opponents are making. Religious tolerance does not mean that we tolerate the major religions telling us what is acceptable and what is not.  It means that we respect all religious beliefs.

Borrowed this from Lynn.

1. Living arrangements? Great 4 bedroom house, but trying to downsize and save money so now it is on the market.
2. What book are you reading? A couple, Italian Witchcraft by Raven Grimassi, 365 Goddess by Patricia Telesco, and Mary Magdalene by Lynn Pickett.

3. What's on your mouse pad? At home, the Paris Hotel in Vegas, at work a Picasso painting (can’t remember the name of it.)
4. What's your favourite board game? Anything that has to do with trivia, I am an endless pit of useless knowledge.
5. Favourite magazine? Us Weekly, Entertainment Weekly, (sadly I love the celebrity stuff), Crochet (I am hooked on all the trendy patterns
6. Babies? 2 girls, but they are no longer babies, the Teen Queen will be 17 in two months and the Drama Queen just turned 10.
7. Favourite sounds? Rain, my love’s breath as he sleeps, my girls laughter
8. Worst feeling in the world? Seeing my love or my girls hurting and not being able to make it better
9. First thing you think of in the morning? Usually, I want to stay in bed longer, then, why didn’t I get up earlier
10. How many rings before you answer the phone? At least 2, no more than 3
11. Summer or Winter? Winters in Colorado are magical
12. Future children's names? No more kids for me.  2 was my destiny
13. What is most important in life? Passion
14. Favourite foods? Pasta! (mmmm, pasta, aaaagggghhhhh)
15. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate, except for dairy queen, then vanilla cone
16. Do you like to drive fast? Yes.  I was born with a lead foot.
17. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Nope, I have to fall asleep with my head on my love’s chest.
18. Storms-Cool or Scary? COOL
19. What type was your first car? 1979 Pinto Wagon.  The floors were rusted out so it looked like the Flintstones car.  I covered the holes with floor mats, but still lost 3 purses on the highway.  It also had a sunroof that blew off in the middle of a downpour.  Luckily, the holes in the floor aided in quick drainageJ
20. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi.   Diet Wild Cherry is the best.
21. Favourite alcoholic drink? Grey Goose cosmopolitans with a twist of lime.  Or vodka and cranberry juice.  And red wine, pinot noir is my fav right now.
22. What is your zodiac sign? Cancer with Scorpio rising
23. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? When I eat broccoli, yes
24. If you could have any job what would it be? Writer, or bookstore owner
25. If you could dye your hair any color what would it be? I’ve had just about every color there is.  I would love to go bright red, though, I haven’t done that.  Like Rene Zellweger’s at the end of Down with Love.
26. Ever been in love? Aboslutely, and after 18 years he still makes my stomach flutter when he looks at meJ
27. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full
28. Favourite movie? Oh, I can’t pick just one.  Singin in the Rain, Some Like it Hot, To Kill a Mockingbird, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Donnie Darko, Big Trouble.  I also just saw Napolean Dynamite with my girls over the weekend, very funny.
29. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Yes. 
30. What's under your bed? A baseball bat (just in case), a heating pad (have to have that accessible), a tank top that I keep forgetting about, and probably my cat, it’s his new favorite hiding place.
31. What is your favourite number? 3
32. What is your favourite sport to watch? Hockey (mmmm, Peter Forsberg, aaaaaahhhhh)
35. Beach, mountains or city? Mountains to gaze in wonder at, beach to sit and meditate on
36. Technology or art? Art
37. Favourite colour? Pink, red and black depending on my mood
38. Comedy or horror? Comedy
39. Favourite time of day? Dusk

It’s a marvel that a person can appear to be standing still when the mood tides are sloshing back and forth, sometimes sweeping in both directions at once. They call that a “mixed state.” It felt like a miniature motocross race going on in my head. It made a little hum, and my eyes sort of burned and felt a little too large for their sockets.  ~Jane Pauley

I was diagnosed with bipolar about 7 years ago, after suffering for at least 10 years.  When I was finally diagnosed, I was actually quite relieved.  There was a name to what I was going through.  And, others have gone through it too, are going through it at the same time as me.  I was put on meds and they worked quite well.  Then, I went through some other physical issues that have nothing to do with the bipolar and eventually I had to be put on estrogen.  It took nearly a year to get the estrogen regulated and once it was I was feeling great.  Until the bipolar meds started making me sick to my stomach.  So a little over 2 years ago, I stopped taking the bipolar meds.  And I did fine.  At least I think I did fine. 

Last week, my love told me that Jane Pauley would be on Dateline that night and she would be talking about living with bipolar.  I didn’t need to see it I told him, and in my mind added that I was ok, I didn’t have it anymore.  But as we got ready for bed, we had it on in the bedroom.  I sort of listened and the phrases I caught definitely had an impact on me.  There were things she was saying that would hit me like a slap in the face:  “Inexplicable anger”, “agitated”, “like a motocross race in my head”, slap, slap, slap.

That’s when I finally broke out of the denial I had encased myself in.  I was not ok.  I was bipolar, and I always would be.  I then started going back over the last couple of years and the times I would scream at my love because he would look at me like he used to right after I was diagnosed.  I would tell him that I was fine, and that I was allowed to have bad days just like everyone else.  But, I don’t have bad days like everyone else.  Any emotion I have throughout the day is magnified 100 times.  There is no in between, there is no normal, there is no just like everyone else.  The more I listened to Jane Pauley, the more things were starting to make sense.  She talked about rapid cycling and mixed states.  These were new terms to me.  For some reason I figured that because I was not going from extended periods of debilitating depressions to over the top manias that I was fine.  It never occurred to me that having these feelings at the same time might be a problem.  Or that having several of these periods fluctuate throughout one day might be even worse than the more common cycles I used to have.  In fact, I think that I have grown so accustomed to the agitation that I figured it was normal.  After all, everyone has mood swings right?  Yes, but, not everyone can be talking to a person and want to just scream in the middle of the conversation because they can’t stop the constant humming sound that resonates throughout their psyche.

So, last week, I started doing some research.  I found that bipolar is a disease as real as diabetes, and high blood pressure.  (this I already knew, I just sort of overlooked this fact).  I also found that like many diseases, it can go into a sort of “remission”.  And that if left unchecked, it can worsen.  And when left to worsen, rapid cycling and mixed states occur, especially in women.  So, I know that I  really need to go to the dr.  but my fear is that the more I talk to him the more hospitalization becomes a very real option.  And that scares the hell out of me.  What scares me even more is that I go to the dr. and don’t talk to him openly.  Because, it is so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong.  It is all too easy to hide so many symptoms.  It actually amazes me that I can be so normal on the outside.  I can laugh and joke and talk to people like there is absolutely nothing going on inside me.  But on the inside I am so torn up with these emotions that are just splashing around inside me that I can completely lose myself.  And what happens when I let these emotions out, when I let down that wall that separates the outside and inside selves?  When those two collide, I don’t know how to save myself.  So, I go about my days as if nothing is wrong and try to resolve it alone.  I’m just not sure how much longer I can keep it up. 

Borrowed from Cyberpal :

(X) - you’ve done
(_) - you haven’t done
(/) - kinda
(#) - you need not know

(X) been drunk (umm, more than I should admit)
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex (absolutely one of my favorite past times J)
(/) kissed a member of the same sex 
(_) crashed a friend’s car (I’m not the best driver, so there are not many people who would loan me their car!)
(_) been to Japan
(_) ridden in a taxi (never ridden in a taxi, they are not a huge form of transportation here)
(X) been in love (absolutely, still am after 18 years)
(X) been dumped (sadly by my love when we were younger, took him a good year and a half to win me back, I made him jump through many hoops)
(_) shoplifted (I was always too scared I would be caught, or go to hell, Catholic guilt and all that jazz)

(/) been fired (Not fired, laid off not sure about the difference)
(X) been in a fist fight (twice, both times with my sis)
(_) snuck out of my parent’s house(never out of my parents house, my mother has a weird radar thing, I snuck out of friends houses during many sleep overs though)
(/) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex (does same sex celebrity crush count, Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, you’d have to be a robot not to find them sexy!)
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex (Nope, I love the male species way too much, besides women are bitches, if I can’t deal with myself, how the hell could I put up with a girlfriend?!?)
(_) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back (Don’t think so)
(_) been arrested (Nope, but funny enough this was on my list of things to do before I dieJ)
(#) made out with a stranger
(X) made a booty call
(X) been a booty call
(X) stole something from my job (paper, post-its, pens, etc.)
(_) celebrated new years in time square (No, I get a bit claustrophobic in crowds, don’t think I could do it)
(X) gone on a blind date (After my love dumped me, the whole thing just sucked)
(X) lied to a friend
(X) a friend lied to me
(X) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated Mardi-gras in new Orleans (again, way too many people, New Orleans is on my list of places to visit though)
(_) been to Europe (Once the girls are both moved out my love & I are going to travel all over Europe)
(X) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker (Nope been married since I was 5, so it never really appealed to me)
(X) cut myself
(X) been married (11 years)
(_) gotten divorced
(X) had children (2 girls, 16 & 10)
(_) seen someone die
(X) been to Africa (Lived, schooled and bred there!)
(_) had a crush on one of my tBLOG/Blurty friends
(X) slapped someone I loved (not one of my prouder moments)
(_) driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(_) been to Canada
(_) been to Mexico (supposed to go in a couple of months for a friend’s wedding, but can’t afford it at the moment)
(X) been on a plane (I’m not a good flyer, usually need a valium and a couple martini’s)
(_) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (love the music from it though)
(X) thrown up in a bar (have not been able to drink tequila since)
(_) purposely set a part of myself on fire (is this a common trend?)
(X) eaten sushi (right before I found out I was pregnant, it made me sick, and I have not been able to eat them since, same with fajitas)
(_) been snowboarding (living in Colorado, it is a sin if you do not strap on skis/boards and send yourself down a mountain at ungodly speeds dodging trees, humans and bright orange boundary fences, so I have tried the skis, hated it, not sure you could pay me to try boarding)
(_) met someone in person from the Internet
(/) been moshing at a concerts (does beating off drunk, stoned idiots playing grab ass with me count?)
(/) had real feelings for someone you knew only online (I’ve had real friendships and was saddened when they were ended)

(_) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself (I have a hard enough time seeing photos of me clothed sometimes)
(_) been in an abusive relationship
(X) been pregnant or got someone pregnant (twice)
(_) lost a child (one of my biggest fears along with losing my love)
(_) graduated college (got through 3 years, almost died changed my priorities)
(_) tried killing yourself (would never consider it!)
(X) taken painkillers
(X) had sex (can’t claim immaculate conception now can I?)

(/) intentionally burned yourself (was once dared to hold my hand over a candle flame, tried it, got burned, learned lesson)
(X) wished someone dead (just one person, but he is the spawn of Satan)
(X) wish someone dead right now (the aforementioned spawn of Satan)
(X) admitted to making a big mistake
(X) been misunderstood (it has somehow become a habit)
(_) told someone I hated them when I didn’t (when I was 9 I told my sister I hated her, my mom asked me “now, what if you never saw her again, do you really want that to be your last memory of your sister?” I have never said it since)
(_) told someone I loved them when I didn’t (it takes me a long time to trust and love people, so when I say it I mean it)
(X) love someone or miss someone right now (absolutely!)

Well since I have been at work for 4 hours now, I guess I better try to get something done.  :)