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I’m very definitely a woman and I enjoy it. ~Marilyn Monroe
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| Lights, camera, action???? |
| 06.28.04 (7:31 am) [edit] |
[i][b]As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish. - - - - François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld[/b][/i]
My birthday is coming up. Friday actually. I will be 33. I have given up lying about my age. People have a very hard time believing I have a 16 year old daughter when I tell them I am only 29. And she refuses to lie and tell people she is only 12. So, I am trying to embrace my age. I actually hate this time of year because I start thinking about my life and where I want it to go. I mean, when my parents were this age, they seemed so old and mature. I look back and think they really had it together. They knew who they were, and where they were going in life. At least it seems like they did. I keep wondering, when am I going to grow up. I am over 30 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I somehow keep thinking that even though I have been at this job for over 3 years, it's just temporary until I figure out what I really want to be. Is it normal not to feel grown up? I mean, I am married with two children, a great, if somewhat boring, job, and I still feel like the character in the movie Big. A kid trapped in an adult body. Is it because I am a product of the 80's? The so-called selfish, give me more generation? Is the problem that I am never satisfied; that I know there is something bigger and better out there so I, like the girl in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, [i]want it now[/i]? I don't think so. I think that we all grow up with an idea of what it is to be an adult. As little kids we play house, or army, or school, or cops and robbers, or even doctor because we are playing out our ideas of adulthood. But that's just what it is, an idea. Maybe we all feel a little let down because we grew up with an idea of what life will be like that we are completely unprepared to deal with what life really is...a great big unscripted movie where no one has been given the plot or their lines, only their character and setting.
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| Hangover rambling |
| 06.27.04 (9:08 am) [edit] |
[i][b]I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it? ~Joan Baez[/b][/i]
We are in the midst of a drought here in Colorado. So, we have to conserve water. That means we only get to water our lawns twice a week on designated days. So, my thought is, why do we have to keep the beautiful lawn thing going? We all know that we need to save water, but three of our neighbors sneak water at night. I mean, come on. Like we can't hear their sprinklers in the middle of the night. Not only that, but it's a bit obvious that they are cheating when they are the only ones on the block who don't have brown spots in their lawn. So why can't we all just agree to have shitty looking lawns. Don't bogart the water so that your landscaping can be the best for a whole three months of summer. Shouldn't we be letting the ranchers who actually need the water to feed the cows that will be used to feed us have all the water they need? There are crops drying up all over the state, but my neighbor has a full, lush green lawn. Thank the lord for that :twisted:
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| Defending Love |
| 06.26.04 (8:24 am) [edit] |
[i][b]Westley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: [joyous] Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.
Westley: [holding Buttercup] I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: [sincerely] Well, you were dead.
Westley: But death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.
[Buttercup and Westley kiss][/b][/i]
Is there such a thing as true love? Yes. Is it perfect fairy tale love? Absolutely not. Is there a happily ever after? I'll have to let you know. For now I am enjoying the ride.
I came across the following story about 15 years ago. Then saw the people in the story on t.v about 10 years ago.
[i]A little boy not more than 10 years old was captured by the nazis along with his family and put in a concentration camp. Once a day, the children were allowed to go outside for a half hour. While the other children stayed close together, this boy would walk to the fence to get as far away as he physically could. One day he met a girl a couple years younger than him. She gave him an apple. Every day this boy would walk to the fence, and every day the girl would be there waiting to give him an apple. This went on for two years. One night, the boy overheard the guards saying that they were moving all of the survivors to another camp. He knew then and there that he would most likely die soon. The next day he went to the fence, the girl was there with his apple. He told her never to come back. They said good bye. Now fast forward 30 years. The man lives in New York, owns his own auto body shop, but is alone. He has come to the conclusion that he is not meant to be loved by a woman. However, his friends think differently and keep setting him up with dates. They say he is getting older, he needs a woman in his life to take care of him, love him. He disagrees, but goes on the blind dates to keep his friends off his back. On one such occasion, he meets a woman about his age at a restaurant. She is everything he is not. She is warm, caring, happy. But there is something about her. He feels almost whole as he talks to her. They take a cab home on the way, the woman notices the numbers tattoed on his arm and asks what they are. For the first time in his life he tells the truth about the tattoo. Not that they are his lucky numbers, or the birth dates of his parents, but that they are the numbers that were tattooed on him his first day in a concentration camp in Germany. For some reason he feels the need to tell her about his life in the camps. He spares no details. He even tell her about the girl with the apples. How she gave him a reason to survive, she believed in his survival even when he did not. When he finishes his story, the woman is crying. He tells her not to be sad, that it is a part of his life that he is finally ready to accept. She shakes her head and says, that is not the reason I am crying. I am crying because there is not a day that has gone by that I did not wonder what happened to you. Confused, the man looks into her eyes. Impossible he says. You can't be her. That was a lifetime ago, in another time, another country. How can you be here, with me, now? She smiles and tells him, it is destiny. She says, before we are born, our souls are in heaven waiting for a body. Before God puts them in the right body, he splits the souls in half. One half in one body, one half in the other. Those two souls then wander the earth in search of eachother. If they are lucky, they meet and savor the time they have together. If they are even luckier, they meet again. And if they are truly blessed, they never become separated again. [/i]
I have been more than blessed. When we met, my love did not believe in fate, or destiny. After 18 years (we started young) he's coming around. How else do you explain us? We are nothing alike, exact opposites in fact. Right down to our signs. I was born under the moon, he under the sun. I am water, he is fire. I am silver, he is gold. I am yin, he is yang. But that is what makes us work. We are each one half of a whole.
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| String of thoughts at the end of the work day |
| 06.24.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
[i][b]I need so much time for doing nothing that I have no time for work ~Pierre Reverdy[/b][/i]
What the hell is wrong with me? In the last few weeks, no make that months, I have lost all motivation to work. Part of the problem is that I worked my ass off all last year and still received the same raise as two people who slacked and did as little as possible. So, I kind of have to wonder, what the hell was I working so hard for? To prove that I am just as good, if not better than the men here? Anyway, after being promised more and never getting it for three years now, I just kind of lost the motivation to work. But now, I have to start to worry. I am on the internet, more (way more) than I really should be here at work. I console myself by saying that I get every thing done that needs to be done. In fact I finish my daily tasks in less than an hour. Yes I know everyone is slow here, but the guys get to leave the office and drive around to check jobs, so they always look busy. So, I end up jumping on the internet and checking my email and surfing the net. And now I am hopelessly addicted to blogs. I get so involved in reading some that I almost forget where I am. Maybe I should take up smoking :lol: The guys go outside and smoke at least 10 times a day. That burns up some time. I'm told it helps you lose weight too, but since I have recently been diagnosed with asthma, I am thinking that is not a very good idea. As for losing weight, maybe if I get off my ass, stop surfing the net and actually take a walk or something, I could start dropping the pounds again. Oh yeah, and stop putting stuff in my mouth. That also might help :lol: So, I have 20 minutes left until I get to go home. Do you think I might actually be able to get some work done? ............nah!
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| How can I think outside the box, when society wants to box me in? |
| 06.24.04 (6:23 am) [edit] |
[i][b]To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity.~Irving Wallace[/b][/i]
Someone brought up the issue of being labeled. This is something I have fought against all my life. I beleive we all fall into several catagories in our lives. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 10 labels that could be slapped on me right now:
wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, neice, lover, bi-polar, Catholic, witch, friend, manager, bitch
But do any of them encompass the real me? I would say all of them do. But then again, there are times when none of them capture who I am because I am so much more than those few words can describe. I am an enigma. I am a contradiction. My Love has trouble dealing with me sometimes because I can be so full of love one minute and full of rage the next. I will want to kiss and hug him at 9 o'clock and at 9:10 I want to be left alone so I can read a book. Sometimes I chalk it up to the bi-polar. Other times I chalk it up to the moon. And sometimes, I just don't want to think about it, I just want to be. So, I wonder, can we as a society live without labels? No. For one thing, for every person who wants to give up their label, there are three people just waiting to slap another label on someone. For another, I think it helps us connect. If we didn't embrace our labels, we may not be able to find others like us. If I hadn't openly talked about wicca, I would not have found great people to discuss it with. If I had hidden the bi-polar, I would not have been able to help a friend who was going through the same thing. We can't rid ourselves of labels. We can however, choose not to be trapped by them. If others want to trap us in those boxes, that's fine. What's sad is that they refuse to be my friend because they think I am a "bitch", but they will never know that I am also a very good listener with a knack for making people feel better, because they never took the time to see what really makes me tick. They just decided to put me in a box, label it "bitch" and put it high on a shelf in the attic and forget all about me.
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| Something Wicca This Way Comes |
| 06.23.04 (7:36 am) [edit] |
I never told my religion, nor scrutinized that of another. I never attempted to make a convert, nor wished to change another’s creed. I have judged of others’ religion by their lives, for it is from out lives, and not from our words, that our religions must be read.—Thomas Jefferson
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately; which has led to a lot a researching. I was born and raised Catholic, but always had questions that could never be answered. I grew up with a Catholic mother and an agnostic father. Throughout my childhood, as my mom was taking my sisters and me to church and catechism, my father was saying "now remember, that is not written in stone." However, my dad is always learning about religions. He knows more about theology than anybody I know. I read the Da Vinci code last year and it started me on a quest. To find out as much as I could about the sacred feminine and ancient, pre-christian cultures. I swear the woman at my library is afraid to even look at me after all of the books I have checked out on wicca and witchcraft. Which leads me to my next question. Is it so wrong to expect people to be as open minded as I hope I am? I mean, people hear the word witchcraft and freak. Except for my friend Sandy. I told her I have going in a new direction spiritually and after her prodding told her it was witchcraft. She got incredibly excited and asked if I could cast a spell for her :lol: But, most people have no idea how to react. These are the people who have been grossly misinformed. Wicca, paganism, witchcraft, or whatever you want to call it is not anti christian. Some call it unchristian. I tend to look at is as other than christian, or even a complement to christianity. I mean they are all based on the same principles right? There is a higher power, be good to all around you. Treat people like you want to be treated. In fact, if you look at the goddess and god worship in wicca, it is very comparable to the Catholic religion. I mean as catholics, we honor God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But we also pray to any number of saints. Isn't that basically the same principle. If you need help in your daily life there are several saints attached to several different areas of help. In wicca, you have spells and potions that you use to help with just about anything in your life. Aren't these spells just prayers? And aren't the potions just holy water, or annointing oil that would be used by Catholics? And candles are used by both religions also. The only difference that I can really pinpoint is that most wiccans know there is a God or Goddess, they just don't know who that is. They don't preach, or force their values or beliefs on anyone. Catholics and Christians alike, say they know who God is. But do they really. Does anyone? Isn't it true, that each individual has an idea of God (or Goddess for that matter)? Is that what keeps us searching? Keeps us from turning evil. I believe that this is what can bring us together as a human race. The search for God, or Goddess, or higher power, or almighty being will bring us closer to eachother. Sadly, this is exactly what can tear us all apart also.
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| beginning anew |
| 06.22.04 (1:25 pm) [edit] |
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Ok. So here is my first blog. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to put down and make everyone say "wow, she really knows who she is!" Not so. In fact that is one of the reasons I am starting this journal. To find out who I am. Since I am constantly changing, this is not an easy task. Another reason I started this blog is because I love to journal. Unfortunately, the urge to journal usually strikes me at the most inopportune times, when my journal is no where to be found. But since I am almost always in the vicinity of a computer, this just might work out nicely. I have to admit that I am a little befuddled with this right now, trying to figure out what to write is one thing, but navigating around this site is a little overwhelming to me right now. And that really pisses me off, because I am usually really good with computers. I think the fact that this is something new, and I am trying to race through it at work and not get in trouble for not doing my job may have something to do with this "befuddled" mood. Well, I will write later tonight when I have a little more time, and a little less paranoia about getting caught. :?
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| J | Joyful | | E | Exquisite | | N | Nerdy | | N | Naive | | L | Luxurious | | U | Unforgettable | | N | Nice | | A | Awkward |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
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